The Silence

(This article is going to be boring-&-dry compared to others. I am going to blabber what I had encounter few weeks back till hours ago. Feel free to press the exit button if you feel that it is going to waste at most 5 minutes of your precious life.)

I was having late "coffee-ing" with my circle of close friends at KTM hours back. We were chatting a couple of hot issues, gossips, rumours and some common stuffs that we would usually talk about during our meet up. I was being myself ;chatting, irritating & inter-framing their conversations when suddenly I had the urged to have my nicotine-intake. I began to tap both sides of my pockets to locate my treasure box. To my surprised, it wasn't in any of the both pockets.

I was like "Where's my cigarettes?"

"You were smoking just now. Where did you placed it?" Daniel replied.

I recalled hard. Yes, I did smoke and remember placing it back in my pants pocket. Where on earth it had disappeared to. I walked around the area in case I had dropped it somewhere else. I was hoping that they would play punk'ed on me & placed it on the table, right before my eyes once I'm back on my seat. Sadly, it didn't happened.

Oh my, I remembered that minutes ago a sweeper had swept around the area & next to my seat. Most probably my inhalers had slipped from my left pocket, which had happened couple of times, & dropped on the floor, thus it had been swept by the sweeper.

Gosh, that period of time, I felt so pissed with myself and being overreacting by making it a big fuss. Sitting quietly with my folded arms , I began to cross my right leg over and shook it hard. I stared sharply to one direction while imagining I was overturning all of the empty tables to vent my anger. Of course it didn't happen. (I can be self-destructive, like a time bomb, when I've gone mad).

I'm making a BIG fuss over it because: That's my last box before my upcoming pay, in days time.

Can't afford to get another as this month, my hard work $$$ had gone to the mall's cashier box. (Read my article on "Shopping with Mr Goldfish")

As the sense of anger still lingering, I remained silence throughout the whole journey back home. But at the midst of anger and being silence, a thought came out to me. I realized that after all these times, I'm just being denial by telling myself that "A New Year is a New Beginning". It was bullshit actually. I still couldn't get over my break up & still depressing about it at times. Hence I had been depending heavily on cigarettes to let go of the stress.

There's when a wisdom strikes me "A New Beginning is When One has a New Thinking". And I realized that, when every time I'm angry and being silence, my senses would come back to me. It would reminds me of the near future or present issues that I should be concerned of. My studies, career and taekwondo.

To: Zahid. As much as I want to heed your advice like having a good time hanging out with you guys to let go my past year bad memories, I just simply can't. The good times I have would only erase the sadness temporarily. (Like the Shopping Spree I had last month) . Once I'm alone, it will haunt me & only me can stop the Monster.

To: Malik. Don't worry dude, I will be fine. Don't need professional help. I believe I'm strong enough to overcome this myself. Only self-progression in the things I do would kill the pain.

To: Rizal. I have already increase the font of the blog. Feedback me if you still can't read it.

To: Daniel. Thanks for the concerned and approached. You're a good friend.

To: Heder. :) Your "Puake-ness" I will miss a lot.

I'll keep blogging, blogging & blogging to keep you guys update for now. I really want to be alone for the time being.




Till the next blog. Loads of Love; Adifazely.

Vanity On Oneself Does Tell A Story (Part 2)

(Continue from Part 1 ..)

The fireplace had formed a saluate of the most perfect nude body he had ever seen in his life. Her skin was as smooth as silk and simply flawless. His hand began to ran from the bosom of the girl's body to her bottom. The girl looked so beauteous even when she was sleeping. He couldn't believe he had got what he desired, right before his eyes.

"I shall die like this with no regrets if I've reached to my last breath." Alanjandro said to himself while resting his head with his left arm and still brushing the girl 's body, that he had long admired.

Alanjandro then set aside some stray of the girl's hair with his last finger and moved forward to kiss her forehead. As he closed his eyes and at the verge of doing it, a voice whispered through his ears.

"My dear frog prince.. Is this how you want things to be? And you called this infinity?"

It's Vanity. The figure that had always appeared as a shadow in Alanjandro's life. The figure that had helped Alanjandro, through motivation, to turned from a frog to a prince again. Through endless motivation, Alanjandro had pushed himself and finally found the the cure to his curse.

"Look at you, you're perfect like a Hercules.. What have she done to deserve an Utopian like you," whispered vanity again as he tried to reach to Alanjandro's soul.

Lastly, Vanity whispered," Where was she when you were looking for the cure? She was nowhere insight except for me your Highness.." Vanity then slowly faded away as soon as all of the branches in the fireplace turned to ashes, like how the love Alanjandro beginning to feel for the girl.

Standing tall with no regrets, Alanjandro picked his clothes and got dressed.

"Where you're heading my Love?" the girl asked as soon as she was awaken by noise that Alanjandro made.

"Alanjandro remained silence. He walked a few steps to the door for his leave. And even before the girl, that he used to love few minutes ago, could say another sentence, Alanjandro paused and said, "My heart did reach yours, but.. you're not the one for me. And will never be."

----------The End----------

Written by: Adifazely.

Oh well, that is just a mini-short story for your entertainment. Hmm. By the way, back to Part 1 topic, I guess it's so-true when they say; things happen for a reason. If I never met the burger, I'll never be admired. Hmm. Maybe la.

Anyway, the point that I'm trying to make here is that, vanity does not necessarily portray one's insecurity. In fact for my case, I'm vain because I used to be so insecure. Contradicting. But at the end of the day, I think vanity can never keep it with confidence. The pictures of any model's body (FHM, Men Mag, etc) can never be compared to a pictures of 'no six pack' type of body. I salute those people who take pictures in what ever shape they are, with full confidence.

I shall end my blog with this qoute .. "Vanity is just an act of the Narcissist, and being a Narcissist is not a bad thing, depending how you want to live your life."

Till the next blog (Gonna hit the gym now); Loads of Love: Adifazely

(PS : Please do add yourself by clicking the "Follow" icon on the left side of the page. Much appriciated. -Sincerely, Adifazely)

Vanity On Oneself Does tell a Story ... (Part 1)

"Oh Vanity ... What do I have to offer the girl. Even the Moonlight is not shining on me.."said the frog prince as he tried to find his true reflection by looking at the pond.

"It does not matter my dear. Be it if the moon shines or not, it is the matter of how you want to portray yourself. You are indeed the Masterpiece of your own look.. Stay with me.. and I will tell you how" replied Vanity with a glowing smile.

A decade ago, (Damn i feel so old now) I was never vain fella. Back then, I wouldn't allow anyone to snap a pic of myself as I had a real self-esteem problem. Damn, I hated photo taking sessions. Looking myself in the mirror was my biggest challenge. It felt like I've committed a sin if I were to do so. Far worst than the frog prince, I couldn't accept how I looked like.

So how could I possibly looked like when I was 14? Short & plump, center-parting hair with 2 curly fringes. Hmm.. what else. Oh, my waistline almost reached size of 34. My dressing? Simply horrible dude.

Despite being a misfit, I never failed to enjoy life. Got influenced with the underground music scene and there was a period of time I got myself into deep Shit. Hehe. I would describe my teenage days as "wild & free". I was still having self-esteem problem till at the age of 18(the year where I had dropped-out from polytechnic). But there was when an unfortunate incident had changed everything.

Well, basically the person I had a crush on badly, had crushed me instead. Nothing could be far worst than to be looked down on by the person you adored most. Hmm.. to cut the chase, the whole incident had made me stronger than ever. I felt that, it was time for me to work my ass out to show him something. Something that I weren't sure of that time. But I just told myself that I must work-out to have a better physical looks. Viola ! In 8 months I lost 8 kg and had a waistline of 28 due to my excessive diet & running. Damn .. from a plump monster, I turned into a scrawny freak.

I entered NS after the 8 months of self-trained, and by the time I'm done with it, my body was lean and tone till date. Just nice, I thought. Oh ya, I've met the burger last year at my former part time job. He wanted to get some stuff & it was so happened that I was at the counter. He was like stunned & shy to see the big difference in me. And I was like "Eat your heart out Honey."

That incident had really made me feel good about myself. There was when I decided to trust the vanity in me. No more insecurities. I was like thinking "If you have it, flaunt it".

Hmm. But I was wondering recently. What happens if I didn't have the chance to know the burger at the first place? Will I be forever feeling insecure of my looks? Will those people in Facebook would still give compliments on my pics? Hmm. Probably not I guess.


To be continue ...



Got to sleep guys. Will update as soon as possible. Nites.



Till the next blog, Loads of Love; Adifazely.

(PS : Please do add yourself by clicking the "Follow" icon on the left side of the page. Much appriciated. -Sincerely, Adifazely)

Viva La 2010 !

Introduction On My 2010 1st Article ..

Well, I'm not sure about you but I'm looking forward for this day to come. The first day of the New Year. The day that ends 2009. The day that I told myself, it's time to move on and the pain won't hurt me anymore. Hmm. Hopefully I'm right this time.



Yesterday.. 0001 Hrs at Clarke Quay:

I was thinking ..

Dear Adifazely,

This new year celebration is very contradicting from the previous year; 2009. A year ago, I'm sad to leave the life I had had in 2008. The moments of 2008 were just to good to be true. Today, it felt like something similar, but different for many reasons. It was hard to reflect on the good moments in 2009, because all of the good moments had ends bitterly. Unlike 2008, the memories I had was nice to reflect and will always be. I'm starting to believe that not all good moments necessarily ends in a good way.

____________________________________________________________
For the Record Babe ..

I hate to do this but for the record of 2009, I wish to list the things that leads me to Depression;

Top 3 List
1) The Break Up
2) Office Politics
3) Time Commitment

Hmm. Depression .. For the first time in my life, I couldn't take good control of myself when I was depressed. I did a couple of unworthy things that makes me an idiot. Yes, I was an idiot for a period a time. (Come on, don't laugh at me) But the best part was, I'm not sure what the "F "I'm thinking when I did those unworthy stuffs.

(I thought it would be nice to list how life could break me at times, and one day when I am standing tall again, I would be smiling when I have at a good look at it.)
___________________________________________________________



Present.. 2nd Day of the Year at 0321 Hrs:

You know what, as much as I thought I'm better off dead back then - 2009, I'm glad that I'm still here because .. 2009 is Over !! I'm glad that I've gotten loads of issues over issues that have gave me an idea of how life in 2010 is going be & how things going to work out for me. I'm sorry again for those I've hurt back in 2009. Again, I'm just a human being. Full of imperfections.

Anyway, I will make full use of 2010 with the emptiness I have now. Like what good friend of mine, Malik, once told me before; emptiness might not be necessarily be a bad thing. I begin to understand what he meant. I'll treat 2010 like my table cover at my work place (Read my blog "When Nirvana Strikes!")

I shall end my blog for now. So tired. I'm working in 5 Hours time. Yawn*

But before i'll end, I would like to take this opportunity to wish you guys a Happy 2010. Let us leave what's not worth remembering, & treat life the best of it's best. Good Night my friends. By the way, please do add me as my reader by clicking the icon button - "Follow". It won't cost you a single cent & I would really appreciate a lot. Thank you.



Till the next blog, Loads of Love; Adifazely.

Emptiness

Emptiness. Emptiness might happen to you if you lost someone you love. You would feel that in a way you have lost your sense of direction in life, even though you know what is ahead of you and what are your priorities in life. The best word to describe this feeling is "Unmotivated". Unmotivated to live, and enjoy life as you should.

Emptiness. Emptiness might also happen to you if you are to indulge in the things you do (like work) that you have ignored the needs of your soul. Your soul is just like a twin of you that will make you feel balanced in life. It's all about the Yin & Yang in you. You would feel the emptiness if at the end of the day, after you have put in a lot of effort in the things you do, there's a little voice asking yourself "What am I doing Here?" or "How come I'm unhappy even though I'm at the peak of the mountain?"

That is emptiness for you.

Thinking of overcoming emptiness? Hehehe, I might not know as I'm working on it. Ive lost the person I love a lot. No, no one died. Just that we are separated. Separated by fate. Hmm. To overcome the emptiness, I've tried a lot of stuff. Shopping and others but it just didn't work out. That's why I'm blogging now. I'm finding a purpose for the soul. So it won't feel empty. (Damn my exam is next Monday)

Besides blogging, I've started on a Novel that called "Memoirs of a Bravo Hotel Staff". It will be interesting as it would open the mind of those who are heterosexual. Yes, you can sense that this novel of mine will be about the homosexuals. The wisdom of this thought came up in my mind while I pondering about how life changes. The environment and society. It's about time the heterosexual society to accept reality and be more adaptable towards life. Hopefully I could complete this novel by the end of March next year. Wish me luck. :)

Till the next blog, Loads of Love; Adifazely.

Me, Men & Materials.

There's a saying of "You are, what you eat". Simply explains that your physical being or appearance is made up of the food you eat. However, it is besides the point for those who has genetically problem issues on their body weights or skin problems. I have always believe that there's a saying, when it comes to dressing - "You are, what you wear". No need me to explain any further.

Dressing does tell a person character to a large extent. Be it if the person is a fashionista or a trendy wanker. Wait a minute. So what's the different between a fashionista and a trendy wanker?

My definition of a fashionista is a well-dressed person that knows what he is wearing. Ya I know, the real definition of a fashionista is someone that involves in high fashion industry. Well ... I'll say, screw that. Why do one need to be in high fashion industry to be called "fashionista" when he is fashionable in what he wears? And when he is not following the trend does that mean he is out of fashion? Even though he wears fashionable clothes? Obviously not. To be begin with, fashion Herself is recyclable. It is just the matter of time when celebrities & fashion designers revives the fashion trend again. My question to you readers is, "Do you need these celebrities or fashion designers to control what you want to wear??"

Hmm. Trendy wankers. Trendy wankers are those who follow fashion blindly. Similar to people that follow religion blindly. They are the Slaves of Fashion. All they know is to follow that the trend, but do not understand them. Don't even bother to know if what they are buying is nice for them, or at least compliments their body. Basic things like chalked stripes T-shirt does not look nice on big size people ,or vertically stripes shirt will not look nice on lanky people. I got not much of an issue with trendy wankers, but it is irritating to see them in a big rowdy group at times. As much as youngsters are the biggest culprit in this category, but that's the beauty of them. To see those cute boys spending time & money at bugis street hunting for the cheapest yet stylish materials, it is just part of them - growing up. It is just the matter of time they will grow up & shift their attention from Bugis Street to Junction? Maybe shops like Domanchi? Hehehe.

Hmm. How about me? I'm neither fall in these two categories. I wear what I feel comfortable in & how I want people to judge me. If I'm feeling like a teenage rebel or a slacker in any of aparticular day, I would wear my rugged torned jeans, rugged converse shoes and beads of black chain that attached from my jeans to my wallet. Of course as much as I want to portray the punkish side of me, I'll make sure I do not go out of style. If I want to look casual, I'll wear the 80's style topman polo tee with Levis limited edition jeans and my white slipped-on shoes. Casual smart? I'll wear shirt & my vest that I've bought from The Vintage Shop at Heeren.

You might be wondering what's with me & my ridiculous non-degree spectacles. Ahh.. This is what most people do not understand. We humans are born with a skeptical mind. If you see, based on first expression, a person that has a convict face, you might most likely think that he is a gangster from some uncivilized group. The problem with me is that, I got those "unfriendly" face that people might most probably thought that I will "eat" them out of fun. But the true fact is that, I am just a normal guy that at times in-need of intimacy touch to makes me feel complete. (Haha, what a way I've put it) The ridiculous specs is a tool I've use to tone down the fierce side of my facial expression. By putting it on, I feel like I'm wearing a mask.

Guys, what ever u choose to wear, wear it with pride. It may look unfashionable or unpleasant, but as long as you feel comfortable in it, fuck with what the society wants to think. Based on personal experience, The most appealing and comfortable things to wear, is the things that you could portray yourself in what you wish people to see in you. Hmm. I'll end my blog this time with a famous qoute "Beauty is in the eyes, of the Beholder".


Till the next blog, Loads of Love; Adifazely

Shopping with Mr. Gold Fish.

I used to think that watches & shoes are the essentials that defined men. But I've changed my opinions until recently. If you were to read the previous two blogs of mine before this, you would know what kind of storm that I was going through. To get over the storm, it requires strong will & determination to move on. Knowing myself, I'm quite weak when handling with emotions. However, a recent activity has let me overcome my grieve. The activity is . .S. H. O. P. P. I. N. G.

No, I'm not a shopaholics like those Venus. Just that I would shop if I think that I need a change in my image. The recent tragedy has made me to seek for activities to fill my emptiness. And I'm glad it did. (At least for the time being)


It was on 13th December when I've decided to head for the malls in Bugis to get my stuffs. I told myself that this was going to be a big shopping spree. Firstly because, I just got my pay. Secondly, I had $150 shopping vouchers with me (I won the Best Dress at ICA d'n'd). And thirdly, I had gotten my first year end bonus. Accompanying me was a good friend of mine, Hafidz - a.k.a Gold fish.

That particular time, I was indecision of whether should spend my vouchers solely on office wear or casual wear. Hmm. After a long thought, I had decided to spend it solely on my office wear. I had a thinking that since the memories of Chipmunk would strike me every now and then at work, I think I should spend my money on new office wear clothing. In a way, by wearing something new & different to work, I wear a new attitude. And when I have a new attitude, I feel like a different person. Thus, I'll leave the person that I used to know. It's about "You are who you pretend to be" -Adifazely 11:23

Our first stop was at Topman. My eyes were glued to a light blue coloured shirt that had had a tie on it. The colour of the tie camouflaged with the colour of the shirt. On top of that, the material was as soft as cat fur (cat fur?). My mind was like going ... "Woah, this is what they called - Style" Back to reality, the price of the shirt was $79.90. Hmm. Thinking, I wouldn't get much of items if I were to splurged my money on the shirt. Okay, next.

From Topman, we hopped to the next stop, Domanchi. Besides the fact that they have outlandish yet creative shirts design, the quality of the materials are good too. Superb I would say. I have a short sleeve Domanchi shirt that I had bought 3 years ago. Till date, the shirt does not look worn off. Hmm. After several tries on some shirts, I had gotten myself 2 long sleeve shirts. My luck was being kind to me on that day as I had got the shirts at a discounted price. Hmm. "$50 voucher left to spend".

After getting the shirts, it's Hafidz turn to get what he wants. Shoes. He was looking for shoes that looked casual yet a bit of sporty. Hmm. So we hopped from Levis to BMG to Nike to Everlast to Adidas outlet and finally back to BMG to buy his Adidas shoes. He has made a right choice by not buying the shining black shoes at the Adidas outlet I think. (Gosh, that shoes is fuc-gly).

I thought of keeping the $50 voucher for the next shopping spree, but it didn't happen because I decided to step into Pedro shop. I told myself again & again I would not pamper myself with a new pair shoes on that day since I had bought a new slipped-on shoes tow weeks ago. But the temptation of buying them was so strong that I admit defeated. I had bumped into a particular shoe that I had longed admired.

My love for that shoe first happened few months ago when I was on the way back home from work. I was in the train. As usual, when the train was packed, I would look down around me to ensure that I would not step on anyone shoes. There's where I saw a beauty amongst all the shoes there." Woah.. The design is a killer" Okay, first of all, the shoes is a pointed kind of shoes. I personally hate pointed shoes because it just look so gay. No offence to myself or others, it is just that I do not like my appearance to be flamboyant. But the leathered material shoes has a 'M - shape' deco design at the tip of the shoes that had made the shoes looked vintage. And I just love Vintage designs. They just looked classic.

Hmm. The shoes itself had cost me $90 (After $50 discount from the voucher I had). Well, I guess to make the shopping complete, I had decided to get the shoes. The smell of the fresh leather really makes me happy. Who wouldn't be happy with a new pair of shoes? But a week after the shopping spree, the sense of emptiness from the break up starts to hunt me again. I'll save that for one of my blog story if i have the time.

Then till, loads of love: Adifazely.