Emptiness

Emptiness. Emptiness might happen to you if you lost someone you love. You would feel that in a way you have lost your sense of direction in life, even though you know what is ahead of you and what are your priorities in life. The best word to describe this feeling is "Unmotivated". Unmotivated to live, and enjoy life as you should.

Emptiness. Emptiness might also happen to you if you are to indulge in the things you do (like work) that you have ignored the needs of your soul. Your soul is just like a twin of you that will make you feel balanced in life. It's all about the Yin & Yang in you. You would feel the emptiness if at the end of the day, after you have put in a lot of effort in the things you do, there's a little voice asking yourself "What am I doing Here?" or "How come I'm unhappy even though I'm at the peak of the mountain?"

That is emptiness for you.

Thinking of overcoming emptiness? Hehehe, I might not know as I'm working on it. Ive lost the person I love a lot. No, no one died. Just that we are separated. Separated by fate. Hmm. To overcome the emptiness, I've tried a lot of stuff. Shopping and others but it just didn't work out. That's why I'm blogging now. I'm finding a purpose for the soul. So it won't feel empty. (Damn my exam is next Monday)

Besides blogging, I've started on a Novel that called "Memoirs of a Bravo Hotel Staff". It will be interesting as it would open the mind of those who are heterosexual. Yes, you can sense that this novel of mine will be about the homosexuals. The wisdom of this thought came up in my mind while I pondering about how life changes. The environment and society. It's about time the heterosexual society to accept reality and be more adaptable towards life. Hopefully I could complete this novel by the end of March next year. Wish me luck. :)

Till the next blog, Loads of Love; Adifazely.

Me, Men & Materials.

There's a saying of "You are, what you eat". Simply explains that your physical being or appearance is made up of the food you eat. However, it is besides the point for those who has genetically problem issues on their body weights or skin problems. I have always believe that there's a saying, when it comes to dressing - "You are, what you wear". No need me to explain any further.

Dressing does tell a person character to a large extent. Be it if the person is a fashionista or a trendy wanker. Wait a minute. So what's the different between a fashionista and a trendy wanker?

My definition of a fashionista is a well-dressed person that knows what he is wearing. Ya I know, the real definition of a fashionista is someone that involves in high fashion industry. Well ... I'll say, screw that. Why do one need to be in high fashion industry to be called "fashionista" when he is fashionable in what he wears? And when he is not following the trend does that mean he is out of fashion? Even though he wears fashionable clothes? Obviously not. To be begin with, fashion Herself is recyclable. It is just the matter of time when celebrities & fashion designers revives the fashion trend again. My question to you readers is, "Do you need these celebrities or fashion designers to control what you want to wear??"

Hmm. Trendy wankers. Trendy wankers are those who follow fashion blindly. Similar to people that follow religion blindly. They are the Slaves of Fashion. All they know is to follow that the trend, but do not understand them. Don't even bother to know if what they are buying is nice for them, or at least compliments their body. Basic things like chalked stripes T-shirt does not look nice on big size people ,or vertically stripes shirt will not look nice on lanky people. I got not much of an issue with trendy wankers, but it is irritating to see them in a big rowdy group at times. As much as youngsters are the biggest culprit in this category, but that's the beauty of them. To see those cute boys spending time & money at bugis street hunting for the cheapest yet stylish materials, it is just part of them - growing up. It is just the matter of time they will grow up & shift their attention from Bugis Street to Junction? Maybe shops like Domanchi? Hehehe.

Hmm. How about me? I'm neither fall in these two categories. I wear what I feel comfortable in & how I want people to judge me. If I'm feeling like a teenage rebel or a slacker in any of aparticular day, I would wear my rugged torned jeans, rugged converse shoes and beads of black chain that attached from my jeans to my wallet. Of course as much as I want to portray the punkish side of me, I'll make sure I do not go out of style. If I want to look casual, I'll wear the 80's style topman polo tee with Levis limited edition jeans and my white slipped-on shoes. Casual smart? I'll wear shirt & my vest that I've bought from The Vintage Shop at Heeren.

You might be wondering what's with me & my ridiculous non-degree spectacles. Ahh.. This is what most people do not understand. We humans are born with a skeptical mind. If you see, based on first expression, a person that has a convict face, you might most likely think that he is a gangster from some uncivilized group. The problem with me is that, I got those "unfriendly" face that people might most probably thought that I will "eat" them out of fun. But the true fact is that, I am just a normal guy that at times in-need of intimacy touch to makes me feel complete. (Haha, what a way I've put it) The ridiculous specs is a tool I've use to tone down the fierce side of my facial expression. By putting it on, I feel like I'm wearing a mask.

Guys, what ever u choose to wear, wear it with pride. It may look unfashionable or unpleasant, but as long as you feel comfortable in it, fuck with what the society wants to think. Based on personal experience, The most appealing and comfortable things to wear, is the things that you could portray yourself in what you wish people to see in you. Hmm. I'll end my blog this time with a famous qoute "Beauty is in the eyes, of the Beholder".


Till the next blog, Loads of Love; Adifazely

Shopping with Mr. Gold Fish.

I used to think that watches & shoes are the essentials that defined men. But I've changed my opinions until recently. If you were to read the previous two blogs of mine before this, you would know what kind of storm that I was going through. To get over the storm, it requires strong will & determination to move on. Knowing myself, I'm quite weak when handling with emotions. However, a recent activity has let me overcome my grieve. The activity is . .S. H. O. P. P. I. N. G.

No, I'm not a shopaholics like those Venus. Just that I would shop if I think that I need a change in my image. The recent tragedy has made me to seek for activities to fill my emptiness. And I'm glad it did. (At least for the time being)


It was on 13th December when I've decided to head for the malls in Bugis to get my stuffs. I told myself that this was going to be a big shopping spree. Firstly because, I just got my pay. Secondly, I had $150 shopping vouchers with me (I won the Best Dress at ICA d'n'd). And thirdly, I had gotten my first year end bonus. Accompanying me was a good friend of mine, Hafidz - a.k.a Gold fish.

That particular time, I was indecision of whether should spend my vouchers solely on office wear or casual wear. Hmm. After a long thought, I had decided to spend it solely on my office wear. I had a thinking that since the memories of Chipmunk would strike me every now and then at work, I think I should spend my money on new office wear clothing. In a way, by wearing something new & different to work, I wear a new attitude. And when I have a new attitude, I feel like a different person. Thus, I'll leave the person that I used to know. It's about "You are who you pretend to be" -Adifazely 11:23

Our first stop was at Topman. My eyes were glued to a light blue coloured shirt that had had a tie on it. The colour of the tie camouflaged with the colour of the shirt. On top of that, the material was as soft as cat fur (cat fur?). My mind was like going ... "Woah, this is what they called - Style" Back to reality, the price of the shirt was $79.90. Hmm. Thinking, I wouldn't get much of items if I were to splurged my money on the shirt. Okay, next.

From Topman, we hopped to the next stop, Domanchi. Besides the fact that they have outlandish yet creative shirts design, the quality of the materials are good too. Superb I would say. I have a short sleeve Domanchi shirt that I had bought 3 years ago. Till date, the shirt does not look worn off. Hmm. After several tries on some shirts, I had gotten myself 2 long sleeve shirts. My luck was being kind to me on that day as I had got the shirts at a discounted price. Hmm. "$50 voucher left to spend".

After getting the shirts, it's Hafidz turn to get what he wants. Shoes. He was looking for shoes that looked casual yet a bit of sporty. Hmm. So we hopped from Levis to BMG to Nike to Everlast to Adidas outlet and finally back to BMG to buy his Adidas shoes. He has made a right choice by not buying the shining black shoes at the Adidas outlet I think. (Gosh, that shoes is fuc-gly).

I thought of keeping the $50 voucher for the next shopping spree, but it didn't happen because I decided to step into Pedro shop. I told myself again & again I would not pamper myself with a new pair shoes on that day since I had bought a new slipped-on shoes tow weeks ago. But the temptation of buying them was so strong that I admit defeated. I had bumped into a particular shoe that I had longed admired.

My love for that shoe first happened few months ago when I was on the way back home from work. I was in the train. As usual, when the train was packed, I would look down around me to ensure that I would not step on anyone shoes. There's where I saw a beauty amongst all the shoes there." Woah.. The design is a killer" Okay, first of all, the shoes is a pointed kind of shoes. I personally hate pointed shoes because it just look so gay. No offence to myself or others, it is just that I do not like my appearance to be flamboyant. But the leathered material shoes has a 'M - shape' deco design at the tip of the shoes that had made the shoes looked vintage. And I just love Vintage designs. They just looked classic.

Hmm. The shoes itself had cost me $90 (After $50 discount from the voucher I had). Well, I guess to make the shopping complete, I had decided to get the shoes. The smell of the fresh leather really makes me happy. Who wouldn't be happy with a new pair of shoes? But a week after the shopping spree, the sense of emptiness from the break up starts to hunt me again. I'll save that for one of my blog story if i have the time.

Then till, loads of love: Adifazely.

172 Days of Chipmunk. (The Sequel) Part 2

I've talked a couple of times about Chipmunk in my blog (even though i only have 6 posts). Send Chipmunk food, watched movie together, celebrate anniversary, my thoughts for Chipmunk. . .So what's so special about this Chipmunk? For what's worth, this Chipmunk is not a cartoon character. Heehee. Chipmunk !

In this 172 Days of Chipmunk (The Sequel), I would not want to mention the sour moments that we had together, instead it is going to be easier for me to blog about the wonderful stuff about Chipmunk. What makes my heart opened at the first place. What does first love feels like. What I've learnt in Love. What has Chipmunk taught me. The naughty moments with Chipmunk . . wait - this is between us. Heehee.

3rd Day of Knowing Chipmunk: (My thoughts for Chipmunk)

- Chipmunk obssessed with me.

- Trying hard to impress, trying hard to steal my heart.

I never liked Chipmunk at the first place. I'm expecting nothing more from the first night we met. Although we shared some intimacy, but I didnt see any attraction in Chipmunk. Not my type. If you read about 172 Days of Chipmunk (The Break Up) Part 1, I'm like the kind of folks who got into relationship due to parent's choice. Of course my parents did'nt choose Chipmunk for me, but I felt that I forced myself to get in the relationship because Chipmunk was being too nice to me. Too nice that I could'nt afford to reject Chipmunk. So there I was, being in a relationship where the partner that I hoping or is not my type. Well, my friends told me that I should give it a chance. Love goes beyond looks. It's all about the heart; sincerity.

14th Day of Chipmunk: (My Doubts)

- Still indecision of should I put my heart into Chipmunk.

- Insecurities I have over Chipmunk.

29th Day of Chipmunk: (I began to slowly fall in love with Chipmunk)

- I love the fact that Chipmunk fetch me from school.

- I love Chipmunk as Chipmunk take care of me well when I am sick.

- I love Chipmunk as there's many good food that Chipmunk introduce to me (Red Ruby etc.)

42th Day of Chipmunk: (I learnt to love Chipmunk)

- I have already in love with Chipmunk

- I begin to appriciate Chipmunk

- Celebrated my first anniversary.

- We watched family guy weekly at Blue Heaven.

- Accompanied me when I was still working in my graveyard shift.

100th Day of Chipmunk: (I'm totally in Love with Chipmunk!)

- I love Chipmunk's body.

- I love the smell of Chipmunk's body.

- I love Chipmunk's hairstyle.

- I love the slap Chipmunk gave me whenever I am being irritating.

- I love the pic Chipmunk took with the late Baby.

Another words, I'm obssessed with Chipmunk.

169th Day of Chipmunk (Love = Chipmunk, Chipmunk = Love)

- We talked on phone everyday.

- I love Chipmunk's ah lian- ness. L.0.L

- The way chipmunk talks.

- Chipmunk's voice in bed. (Over the phone)

- The way Chipmunk walks. Like P _ N _ _ I N.
- The bites Chipmunk gave.

I just love every single thing about Chipmunk. Can't help it. If were compared to the 3rd day of knowing Chipmunk, I was different person.

172th of Chipmunk: Speechless.

- I gave up.

I did it out of anger & i'm really having a damn bad temper that particular week. I had 2 hours of sleep on Monday before going off to work. My school projects were getting on my nerves. Everyone around me felt the heat from me. My Sayang was no exception. However, I not only did it out of anger, but I felt that I am fighting over a valid point. In my point of view.

180th of Chipmunk: Present.

Whatever had happened, I take this love story as a sequel to my life love story. Even though I told myself a week ago that I will never be in love again, I took back my words because I know that can never happen. At the end of the day, whether Chipmunk will be together with me or not, I leave it to destiny. The time frame I gave myself & Chipmunk is kind of unrealistic. Well, like what the old folks always says; If the person you love is meant for you, he or she will be with you. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Chipmunk to show me what's love is roughly about.

For now, I try to love myself. Loving myself has somesort of makes me found a new love. The Love of Materials. I've recently went for a massive shopping to overcome this pain and I've discovered that Materials makes me happy when i felt so lonely. Watch out for my next blog, in few days time. It's about Men & Materials.

172 Days of Chipmunk. (The Break Up) Part 1

Oh well, how should I begin. This is my first break up & very hurtful though. No, this is not a 'monkey' love story. I'm 23 dude. Erm . . . It has been exactly a week since that tragic incident. What else . . I've been sitting here for almost three hours, smoking like as if my dad is Philip Morris and my mind still blank. I've been youtubing, listening to songs & watching videos, to find inspirations to update this blog story, but i find it difficult. Very difficult. Maybe because deep deep in my mind I have a mental block that do not allow me to recall the moments of the break up. Hmmm..

(After 50 minutes of Power Napping!)

My break up with Chipmunk was kind of ironic because at the verge of breaking up, we still do love each other. Even today, I still do love Chipmunk. I'm not sure for Chipmunk but I think there's a bit of heart left for me, even though Chipmunk said before that the heart has died on me. I could be wrong.

Oh, what could go wrong with our failed relationship. We message on mobile to each other everyday (even after the break up), talked on the phone, the amount of time & intimacy we shared was sufficient for us and so on. Hmm.. Yes, we do have conflicts over conflicts and later either one of us would give in.

But on 9th of December, I gave up. I just gave up. (No, this is not the end of my story. Continue to read. Yeah read on ..)

Last night as I was walking back home after meeting my 'insane' gang, i was pondering a lot about how the older generation people managed their love relationship. I'm was having two different types of views. One was the type of couples where their marriage was fated by their parents. The other was the types of mutual agreement between two lovers.

For my grandparents, they ran away from home when they were young to get married. Initially, they love each other so verily much. Opps, I'm not saying that they don't love each other now, it is just that - Erm . . Let 's just say that both of them having hard time to accommodate each other Even till date.

On the other hand, I've heard several stories of those who were match-make by their parents & still able to live happily with each other. Be it, if the parent's choice of in-law is the type of 'tea' of their children or not. Of course I'm not making a definite conclusion out of the things I see, but most of the stories I've heard & seen, is as such.

My point is, love is fate. Besides that love is out-of-the-blue. There is no such thing like your partner is correct for you or not. Even the most bitter relationship there are bound to be pleasant moments that the partners share. Like my grandparents, they did have good moments when they were young. And I believe as much as they could be angry with each other at times, they still do love each other. Actions are the true evidence of Love.

Enough of the Grandparent's stories. Literally grandparent's stories. I'll take you back to 9th December. That unfaithful night.

We were having conflict over msn that night. If one of the ethics that a journalist needs to practice is PRIVACY VS PUBLIC' S RIGHTS TO KNOW (my mass comm classmates, I'm sure you guys are familiarize with this), Chipmunk and me were arguing over PRIVACY VS BOYFRIEND' S RIGHTS TO KNOW. Chipmunk is demanding privacy and I'm demanding over the information. It does not matter who wins the law suit but, it's obvious that there was a communication problem. Screw that communication part I must say. There's a bigger problem than that. We have different believes in the principle's of relationship. Ouhk oh . . And there's when I've decided, that's the end for us.

The Problem that lies in the relationship is . . . Lies.

The lies that I told myself that the problem of compatibility (in terms of our different individual's thinking) between us would not occured again. The lies that I told myself that I would not be possessive anymore (I'm a taurean - that explains everything). At the end of the day, I've cheated myself that things are going to be alright as long as we gave in with each other. Wait a minute. If you say that as long as either one of the party willing to give in and everything's going to be alright, I'll say; stop bullshitting. At the end of the relationship, Chipmunk told me that the relationship feels like a prison. And as much as I am possessive, never I intented things to turn out to be that way. I'm sorry Chipmunk.

I told myself, maybe it's true that I'm demanding too much. Or maybe Chipmunk doings are wrong. I searched for opinions but got myself confused. More confused. So confused that I tear for the next few days of the break up. It was terrible. I even communicate with Anita the Online Psychic (as though she's real) on facebook (what am I thinking). At last, I did soul searching and my senses came back to me.

This is what the real Adifazely told me: I know it's hard to leave the relationship behind, but you are not exactly leaving the relationship behind. You are just giving up the title "boyfriend", but the Love for Chipmunk still exists. The fact that you Love Chipmunk a lot, you are willing to sacrifice it as to give Chipmunk freedom. At the same time, your priorities are going to get affected with the conflicts over conflicts. It is better to let go for now, but be back once you acheived your goals. And by that time, both you and Chipmunk will be more matured. Hopefully. Have faith in what you believe in.